The New Testament letter to the Colossians, authored by the Apostle Paul, contains a compact but profound passage that has shaped Christian family ethics for two millennia. Colossians 3:18-22 provides direct instructions to wives, husbands, children, and fathers (with a mention of slaves, a common feature of ancient household codes). To the modern reader, these verses can appear culturally bound or even contentious. However, a careful, step-by-step exegetical exploration reveals a radical, counter-cultural framework rooted in mutual submission, Christlike love, and the transformative power of the Gospel, rather than in rigid, hierarchical power structures.
Establish the Broader Literary and Theological Context
Before analyzing the individual commands, one must understand their placement within the letter. Colossians 3:18-22 is part of a larger section often called a “Household Code” (from the German Haustafel). These codes were common in Greco-Roman philosophical writings (e.g., Aristotle) and outlined expectations for the orderly management of a household, which was the fundamental unit of ancient society. Their primary aim was social stability and upholding the patriarchal status quo.
However, Paul does not merely copy these pagan codes; he fundamentally Christianizes them. The instructions for the family are preceded by the crucial command in Colossians 3:16-17: to let the word of Christ dwell richly among believers, teaching and admonishing one another, and doing everything in the name of the Lord Jesus. More importantly, they immediately follow the overarching ethical principle for all Christians in 3:12-14: to clothe themselves with “compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience,” bearing with each other and forgiving one another, with love as the supreme virtue that “binds them all together in perfect unity.” The family instructions are not a standalone list of rules but are the practical outworking of a life transformed by Christ and lived in Christian community.
Analyze the Instructions Pair by Pair (The “What”)
The passage’s structure is built on pairs, addressing the dependent member of the relationship first (wife, child, slave) followed by the responsible authority figure (husband, father, master). This pairing is essential, as it shows that responsibilities are mutual, not one-sided.
- Wives and Husbands (v. 18-19): Wives are instructed to “submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” The key phrase is “in the Lord.” This is not a blanket command to inferiority but a voluntary submission within the covenant of a Christian marriage, recognizing the husband’s God-given responsibility for leadership. Crucially, this is balanced and qualified by the husband’s duty: “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” The husband’s authority is not one of dominion but of agape love—a self-sacrificial, nurturing, and caring love modeled directly on Christ’s love for the church (as elaborated in Ephesians 5:25-33). The prohibition against bitterness or harshness strictly limits the potential for abuse of authority.
- Children and Fathers (v. 20-21): Children are to “obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” This command echoes the Fifth Commandment and underscores the importance of respect and order within the family unit. The corresponding instruction to fathers is revolutionary in its historical context: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” In a culture where the paterfamilias (father of the family) held absolute power, even of life and death, over his children, this command radically redefines fatherhood. It calls for gentle, encouraging leadership that nurtures a child’s spirit rather than crushing it with authoritarianism. The father’s goal is not to provoke anger and resentment but to raise children who are confident and secure in love.
- A Note on Slaves and Masters (v. 22 – 4:1): While the focus here is the nuclear family, the inclusion of slaves and masters shows that Paul applies the principle of mutual responsibility in Christ to all relationships. The instructions to masters in Colossians 4:1 are particularly subversive, telling them to “provide your slaves with what is right and fair, because you know that you also have a Master in heaven.” This implicitly undermines the entire institution of slavery by establishing the master’s accountability to God for the fair treatment of his slaves.
Identify the Underlying Motivating Principle (The “Why”)
Each command is coupled with a Gospel-centered motivation, moving beyond mere social convention.
- “As is fitting in the Lord” (v. 18): The wife’s submission is part of her Christian witness and obedience to Christ.
- “Do not be harsh with them” (v. 19): The husband’s conduct is constrained by the character of Christ.
- “For this pleases the Lord” (v. 20): A child’s obedience is ultimately an act of worship.
- “Or they will become discouraged” (v. 21): The father’s gentle leadership is necessary for the child’s spiritual and emotional well-being, ensuring they do not lose heart.
- “It is the Lord Christ you are serving” (v. 23-24): For slaves, their work is ultimately for Christ, not man.
The overarching motivation is not social order for its own sake, but a desire to honor and reflect the Lord Jesus Christ in every relationship. The family becomes a microcosm of the church, where members mutually serve one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21).
Apply the Principles to the Modern Context
Applying this passage today requires distinguishing between the timeless theological principles and the culturally specific forms they took in the first century. The core principles are:
- Mutual Responsibility and Submission: The code is not a one-sided power grab. For every call to submit or obey, there is a corresponding call to Christlike, self-sacrificial leadership and love that seeks the good of the other. The biblical model is ultimately one of mutual submission “out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).
- Love and Nurture Over Authority and Control: The instructions to husbands and fathers emphasize love, gentleness, and encouragement, strictly prohibiting harshness and manipulation. The health of the relationship and the spiritual well-being of each member are paramount.
- Gospel-Centered Motivation: All family roles are re-oriented around serving and pleasing the Lord. This elevates mundane family life to an act of worship and discipleship.
In conclusion, Colossians 3:18-22 does not prescribe a rigid, cultural-specific hierarchy but rather outlines a Spirit-empowered framework for family relationships. It calls wives to supportive respect, husbands to self-sacrificial love, children to obedient honor, and fathers to gentle encouragement—all flowing from hearts transformed by the Gospel and motivated by a desire to glorify God in their homes. When understood in its full context, this passage provides a beautiful and counter-cultural blueprint for building families that radiate the love and grace of Jesus Christ.
References:
- The Holy Bible, New International Version. (2011). Colossians 3:18-22.
- Bruce, F. F. (1984). The Epistles to the Colossians, to Philemon, and to the Ephesians. The New International Commentary on the New Testament. Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co.
- Moo, Douglas J. (2008). The Letters to the Colossians and to Philemon. The Pillar New Testament Commentary. Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co.
- Wright, N.T. (1986). Colossians and Philemon. The Tyndale New Testament Commentaries. InterVarsity Press.
- Keener, Craig S. (1993). The IVP Bible Background Commentary: New Testament. InterVarsity Press.
